I can’t count the number of posts I’ve written since I began this blog that expose my self-consciousness, my self-doubt, and basically, my selfishness. It’s difficult, this business of blogging. We all want to say that we write for ourselves, that numbers don’t matter. But when you’re writing, hoping to make something of it, numbers do matter. Comments do matter. Page views do matter. And when you don’t reach those goals, it can be rough.
I see bloggers that started around the same time that I did who have twice, three times as many followers, and I can’t help but feel down about it. Is it because they are “blogging for themselves?” {I call bullshit}. Is it because they are more beautiful, more stylish, better writers, better designers? I don’t get it. I have put my heart and soul and energy and time…basically, I’ve put everything that I have into this blog. And when you start a business, that means you put even more into it. You put your faith that eventually, someday, it will become your livelihood. And to be honest, I’m becoming more and more discouraged that I won’t be able to make anything of myself.
Maybe today is an off day. We went looking at apartments, and I hoped, if only for a moment, that I could be one of those people who make a living doing what I love. And make enough money to live in a nicer apartment, one that I can work full time for myself in. I’ve been blogging for a little over a year, and I started my business less than six months ago, but I’m becoming more and more discouraged. And I can’t help that thought from rearing it’s ugly head that I’ll forever be destined to sit behind a computer screen, one that isn’t mine, living someone else’s dream. And I can’t lie. It’s enough to make me cry on a daily basis.
I know what I want. But I don’t know what I want. I’m confused and emotional and have put too much of myself out there to turn around now, I know that. What would be the point? I’ve “taken breaks” from blogging, hoping that they would help clear my head, but they only made me more anxious. But why should I be so selfish to believe that anybody cares about what I have to say? Maybe it all was just a joke. But it isn’t. Not to me. Some people do this for fun, and that’s how I started. That isn’t how it is now. And that’s hard too. It’s hard to realize that something amazing has happened to you, but that’s it. That there’s nowhere to go from here. That I’m at an impasse.
I’m young, I know that. I turned a whole twenty-five last week. Sometimes I get intimidated by the older bloggers, the older event planners out there, thinking that they think I’m too young for this. But God. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying so hard that my heart hurts. And the thought of failing makes my heart break. I don’t want to fail.
I need help. I need help figuring out what to do, because I don’t know what to do. I’m doing it all by myself, without any guidance whatsoever. I taught myself how to run a wedding. I taught myself how to write and how to blog. I taught myself Photoshop and Illustrator and HTML. I taught myself how to create a Wordpress website. I learned, firsthand, blogging etiquette and marketing and how to feel comfortable in social situations. But here’s a secret: I’m so painfully shy it hurts. I was a political science major in college. I was going to go to law school. And the only thing I’m comfortable with right now is the damn contracts I have my clients sign.
But. And this is a big but.
Just because I’m comfortable with it doesn’t mean I like it. I love this blog. I love my readers. I love my clients. I love weddings and I love putting myself out there. But it’s hard. You have no idea how hard it is for me.
So that’s it. I’m going to keep going, but you have to know, it isn’t just for me. Some bloggers say that they do it for them, but I don’t do it just for me. I love it, more than anything, but it’s for you too. Again, maybe I’m selfish for thinking that I have something important to say, something that anybody cares about. But I need to keep going. I have to keep going.