Though Valentine's Day was last week, it's still the month of love, right? And in the spirit of love, I really want to share a few thoughts on marriage. I'm not one of those people who thinks my marriage is absolutely perfect and I need to share it with the world, but I do think that sometimes I focus too much on weddings and not on what comes after (which makes sense, you know, since I'm a wedding planner). That being said, here are a five secrets to our happy marriage.
photo by Anna Delores Photography
1 // ALARM CLOCKS. Our marriage is just like any other, and there are ups and there are downs. At the beginning of last year, we had one of those downs. Like, really down there, and it was kind of a wake up call for us. You see, our lives, just like yours, are overrun with technology. We both have iPhones, and then there are the computers and iPads and televisions that overrun our apartment. It got to a point where we were checking our phones in bed before we even said good morning to each other. One day we realized how absolutely terrible that was, and our phones (including our alarms) were banned from the bedroom immediately. We headed to Target and bought some really old-school analog alarm clocks, one for either side of the bed, and the rest is history. Sure, I'll work from bed if he isn't home, and sometimes we'll go grab our phones later in the morning when the other has left for the day, but there are no phones in the room while we are in there together. If there is any moment in which I can say our marriage took a major turn for the better, this is it.
2 // ALONE TIME. I'm an introvert. Robert doesn't like labels, so he won't ever commit to being either an introvert or extrovert, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one thousand percent an introvert. Most of my friends know that sometimes I just need my alone time, especially if I spend an entire day with them. I'm usually completely quiet on the way home from an adventure somewhere, just because I need to regain my energy. And the same goes for my marriage. Robert learned a long time ago that sometimes I just need to be left alone, and vice versa. I think that there's a pressure in marriage to spend every waking, available minute together, but that's not always healthy. There are times when Robert will go lock himself in the office and I'll hang out on the couch, or he'll go to Starbucks and I'll go to happy hour by myself. Taking the time to nurture ourselves in this way is absolutely essential to our healthy marriage.
3 // DATE NIGHT. Though we need our alone time, we also need time together. Exclusively. I'm not talking about just going to a movie and holding hands; date nights, for us, can happen at home too. It's a time when we get to focus on each completely, without the distraction of the TV or our phones. Usually we'll just go grab a drink or dinner together, and spend a good hour just talking about everything from our day to our biggest secrets and dreams. Our relationship is built on these moments, which remind us why we're in this thing together. It's a really amazing, and humbling, experience to know that you have the full attention (and love) of another person.
4 // MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY. Though Robert is venturing into the land of cooking, I've made dinner for us pretty much four to five nights a week for the past seven years. It's not that I feel like it's my wifely duty really, I just like taking care of my husband. That being said, he knows that the day he comes home from school or work and expects dinner to be on the table, I'm done. There will be a major strike on my part. You see, we have a pretty distinct division of labor in our home (I cook, he washes the dishes; I clean the toilet, he takes out the trash), but there's also a mutual responsibility there. Neither one of us expects the other to do these things, and neither one of us feels resentful or upset if the other doesn't get their job done. Robert is really good at taking the trash out when it needs to be taken out, but I'll do it too if I need to. Same goes for dishes or whatever other chore needs to be done in any given day. I think our main goal is to just not feel resentful or upset if the house is dirty or there are no groceries in the fridge; we take care of our home mutually because we love each other and we love our home. Very few, if any, of our arguments are about dirty dishes or smelly trash, which I'm very, very thankful for. If I've learned anything in my ten years with my husband, it's to pick my battles, and fighting over a messy house is not a battle I want to have.
2 // ALONE TIME. I'm an introvert. Robert doesn't like labels, so he won't ever commit to being either an introvert or extrovert, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one thousand percent an introvert. Most of my friends know that sometimes I just need my alone time, especially if I spend an entire day with them. I'm usually completely quiet on the way home from an adventure somewhere, just because I need to regain my energy. And the same goes for my marriage. Robert learned a long time ago that sometimes I just need to be left alone, and vice versa. I think that there's a pressure in marriage to spend every waking, available minute together, but that's not always healthy. There are times when Robert will go lock himself in the office and I'll hang out on the couch, or he'll go to Starbucks and I'll go to happy hour by myself. Taking the time to nurture ourselves in this way is absolutely essential to our healthy marriage.
3 // DATE NIGHT. Though we need our alone time, we also need time together. Exclusively. I'm not talking about just going to a movie and holding hands; date nights, for us, can happen at home too. It's a time when we get to focus on each completely, without the distraction of the TV or our phones. Usually we'll just go grab a drink or dinner together, and spend a good hour just talking about everything from our day to our biggest secrets and dreams. Our relationship is built on these moments, which remind us why we're in this thing together. It's a really amazing, and humbling, experience to know that you have the full attention (and love) of another person.
4 // MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY. Though Robert is venturing into the land of cooking, I've made dinner for us pretty much four to five nights a week for the past seven years. It's not that I feel like it's my wifely duty really, I just like taking care of my husband. That being said, he knows that the day he comes home from school or work and expects dinner to be on the table, I'm done. There will be a major strike on my part. You see, we have a pretty distinct division of labor in our home (I cook, he washes the dishes; I clean the toilet, he takes out the trash), but there's also a mutual responsibility there. Neither one of us expects the other to do these things, and neither one of us feels resentful or upset if the other doesn't get their job done. Robert is really good at taking the trash out when it needs to be taken out, but I'll do it too if I need to. Same goes for dishes or whatever other chore needs to be done in any given day. I think our main goal is to just not feel resentful or upset if the house is dirty or there are no groceries in the fridge; we take care of our home mutually because we love each other and we love our home. Very few, if any, of our arguments are about dirty dishes or smelly trash, which I'm very, very thankful for. If I've learned anything in my ten years with my husband, it's to pick my battles, and fighting over a messy house is not a battle I want to have.
So, that's it. Four secrets to our happy marriage. They are our only secrets, and they may not even be the best, but they are four things we do consistently to make sure that our marriage is healthy and happy. What are your favorite secrets to your happy marriage?