Okay, warning: this a brain dump post. Sometimes I just need to put it all out on the table, you know? I have this problem of constantly wanting to create this beautiful life. I think we all do; it's one of the perils of participating in this blogging community (or just being human). There have been dozens, if not hundreds, of posts on how we, as bloggers, curate the lives we present to the world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and butterflies coming out of our butts; we're real people. We have real flaws and real hardships, but the beauty is that we get to choose what we present to the world.
The thing is, I still want that beautiful life, whatever that may be. I have this vision in my head of always looking perfect and having a perfectly simple home, full of white walls and little-to-no technology. This whole notion of a life, styled is so...abstract. Because really, what is it that I want? Do I really want minimal living, while simultaneously spending hours upon hours getting ready in the morning (I typically spend less than ten minutes doing my hair and makeup on any given day)?
Confession time: I read a lot of femininity blogs; you know, ones that tell me how to be more beautiful and ladylike and classy. That in itself is such a subjective concept, not to mention a controversial one (though don't worry - I do believe there's a way to balance femininity and feminism).
I keep going back to some of these websites and blogs (honestly - don't ask me to give you any links or names because I'm slightly ashamed at this tendency), thinking but if only...the thing is, half the time I don't even READ the content. I'm just flipping through the pictures, looking at the post titles and quotes that they share. I can't help but wonder what exactly it is that I want.
What is it that I want? Do I want that perfect, beautiful life because I want to share it with the world, or do I want that perfect life because of how it would make me feel? There's really no such thing as a perfect life, so is what I want really just a beautiful life? I could probably create a beautiful life on the outside, but what constitutes a beautiful life on the inside?
I told you, brain dump in this post. I think it's these conundrums that honestly contribute a lot to my anxiety - this process of wanting something, researching it, but never really living it out, either because I don't know what I want or because I don't care as much as I thought I did. It's terrible, I tell you. Just terrible.
I'm starting to journal again (it's been a long time since I've journaled, and I've never been very good at it), so maybe I can flush through it all in my mind. You know, come up with the specifics things that I want in my life, but can never seem to realize. Hopefully, then, it all won't feel so overwhelming.
8 comments:
I absolutely love this post. I think it perfectly sums up how many of us feel. We want that beautiful life that is portrayed on Pinterest and social media. But honestly, that life is non-existent. Real life is messy, full of ups and downs, and never quite looks the way we want it to. As far as femininity, I think many of us want to have the perfect hair and style and may always want that. I know I completely fail at this. But I also think that the idea of femininity is subjective. One person's version of femininity may not be the same as someone else's. And really you can feel feminine doing things that aren't traditionally considered to be feminine. :)
I love this post so much. I always try to be authentic and real when I write, because I know I live a beautiful life, that is a beautiful mess. I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to "look perfect" but I can still have a beautiful life. Hope you've been enjoying the beautiful Ventura weather! <3
I always love it when bloggers post brain rambles... somehow, they usually always manage to get my own thoughts and conundrums on (virtual?) paper - the same ones I can't exactly articulate perfectly. Reading this words, it was like "ahh, me too." It's a relief knowing that we're not alone in most mental dilemmas, isn't it?
This post is so real it makes me ache. It's my favorite type of post to see in the blogger world. For what it's worth, your blog is an inspiring space like that for me. What I've found helped me is I decided what I really did want. It's not too look amazing (though that's nice too), but it's to have all these "blog worthy" adventures. I think you're right, life isn't "beautiful" all the time and it's certainly not a happy dream world... just remember that you can't compare your behind the scenes reel to everyone else's highlights.
This post is so true. I love your brain dump honesty.
I know where you're coming from. I also read a LOT of blogs, but typically just scan photos (it's terrible!) until I find something that truly captivates my interest. Your blog does, always! :) It's such an interesting thing, this blogging world. I'm thankful for the ability to have a place to go, and thankful for the ability to walk away for a bit without it causing me distress (since it's not my job, you know?). It's just such an interesting thing. Ahhh blogging.
this has been weighing on me a lot lately. the pressure of perfection and keeping up. if i let it, it can keep me from wanting to blog at all. i love this honesty!
I really relate-do we want that life because we want to appear a certain way to otheres, or do we truly actually desire to live a life like that? I think journaling will help you process a lot of those jumbled thoughts, it helps me so much.
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