Okay, warning: this a brain dump post. Sometimes I just need to put it all out on the table, you know? I have this problem of constantly wanting to create this beautiful life. I think we all do; it's one of the perils of participating in this blogging community (or just being human). There have been dozens, if not hundreds, of posts on how we, as bloggers, curate the lives we present to the world. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and butterflies coming out of our butts; we're real people. We have real flaws and real hardships, but the beauty is that we get to choose what we present to the world.
The thing is, I still want that beautiful life, whatever that may be. I have this vision in my head of always looking perfect and having a perfectly simple home, full of white walls and little-to-no technology. This whole notion of a life, styled is so...abstract. Because really, what is it that I want? Do I really want minimal living, while simultaneously spending hours upon hours getting ready in the morning (I typically spend less than ten minutes doing my hair and makeup on any given day)?
Confession time: I read a lot of femininity blogs; you know, ones that tell me how to be more beautiful and ladylike and classy. That in itself is such a subjective concept, not to mention a controversial one (though don't worry - I do believe there's a way to balance femininity and feminism).
I keep going back to some of these websites and blogs (honestly - don't ask me to give you any links or names because I'm slightly ashamed at this tendency), thinking but if only...the thing is, half the time I don't even READ the content. I'm just flipping through the pictures, looking at the post titles and quotes that they share. I can't help but wonder what exactly it is that I want.
What is it that I want? Do I want that perfect, beautiful life because I want to share it with the world, or do I want that perfect life because of how it would make me feel? There's really no such thing as a perfect life, so is what I want really just a beautiful life? I could probably create a beautiful life on the outside, but what constitutes a beautiful life on the inside?
I told you, brain dump in this post. I think it's these conundrums that honestly contribute a lot to my anxiety - this process of wanting something, researching it, but never really living it out, either because I don't know what I want or because I don't care as much as I thought I did. It's terrible, I tell you. Just terrible.
I'm starting to journal again (it's been a long time since I've journaled, and I've never been very good at it), so maybe I can flush through it all in my mind. You know, come up with the specifics things that I want in my life, but can never seem to realize. Hopefully, then, it all won't feel so overwhelming.