5.02.2011

Today I feel...scared.

I know I've written a lot about my goals and dreams on this little blog, but here's something that you may or may not know: most of the time, I'm scared shitless.

Granted, I have a good life. I have a husband whom I love. I have a wonderful family and some of the best friends I could ask for. I have a job and enough money to get by.

But there are days, like today, where I can't help but think that I'm never going to reach my goals. Am I going to be stuck doing something that I hate, in a job that just isn't for me, for the rest of my life? I see so many people that work to get by, doing something that they don't enjoy, just because they need the money. Part of me sees these people as lazy, because I firmly believe that if you don't like something in life, you should change it.

Today, however, I wonder if I'm going to be one of these people. Or, worse, that I already am one of these pople. I want so badly to be doing something that I love. But I'm not, and that kills me. I want to be creative, to be inspired. I want to write things that I want to write. I want to design pretty things. I want to bring beauty and joy and color to the world. I just can't figure out how to make a living doing that.

I'm only twenty-four years old. I know that I'm young and have the rest of my life ahead of me, but sometimes it feels like I have all the wrong experience to try something new.

So, I want to know: Are you happy with your job? If so, how did you get there? If not, what are you doing to make yourself happy?

Really, I need all the help I can get right now.

Thanks for listening. You're my therapy.

Love,

13 comments:

Amanda said...

I think I can make the broad statement that EVERYONE has these emotions or days. Fortunately, I am so very blessed and love my job. Somehow, I ended up in a job that is different every day and teaches me a lot, however in the long-term, I want to be what I define myself as, a writer. Somedays I worry that I should be writing and not working, but I think that you've taken the first step! You've admitted your scared, and I believe that things will look up and change. But that's just this optimistic girl's opinion!

Twenty Something Blonde said...

I think being scared is a pretty common feeling....especially in your 20s! I also think that you are doing what you love...you might not be getting paid for it, but I can tell you love this blog and for now...this is your outlet for that. You gotta take the good with the bad sometimes, and supplement what you love doing with something you may not love. One day this might turn into something that can be a PAYING job..but for now...consider it charity to yourself and your sanity :)

Robin said...

I think by writing this you'll find you have much better days. I personally don't love my job, but don't hate it either - there's always pros and cons to everything. Cons about job searching (I'm finding) - a lot of work, stress, unknowns, what if's etc. Pros - could further your career, make more money, meet great new people, be interesting/challenging. Cons: could be worst, boss could be awful, coworkers could be awful, longer commute, sacrifices etc. In the end it's all what you make of it. Good Luck!

Erin said...

You won't end up as one of those people because you are already scared of being one of them. You already want something more and that's all it takes because at the end of the day, those that succeed do so because they never give up no matter how many times they fall. So yes the road ahead may be a little bumpy but if you keep your dreams front and center, I know you will reach them. I have so much faith in you.

You are already ahead of the game because you know what you want. I'm 26 and still question if I really want to go into the medical field. I sometimes feel like I'm searching for a career that just doesn't exist. It's a slow process but I'm starting to be able to weed things out, as in, I know that I no longer want to be a nurse so I'm going to try out Radiation Therapy.

I don't know, I just feel it, you are going to be successful in reaching your goals and dreams so don't lose hope ;)

Erin

Betty said...

I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. I've done a few things in my short time to get to where I am content where I am. I found a career counselor and started working with him and a life coach. (I am a FIRM BELIEVER in counseling of all sorts!) It cost some money, but I feel empowered now to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I found I had choices. I could have a job, a career or a calling. I wanted a calling. Am I currently in my calling? No. Does it pay the bills? Yes! And I am starting to work to my calling - baking! I currently write reports. But I remember, this is just my JOB! I bake, decorate our apartment, enjoy photography for my creative outlets right now until I'm in a position to make my calling my job! So, I guess what I'm saying is, remember what you're doing now is your JOB. Search for help finding your career or calling if you need it and fill your spare time doing things that you LOVE and are creative outlets. Life is about balance! I wish you the best of luck finding something you love!

jillian :: cornflake dreams. said...

hey lady, im in a similar situation. i like what i do, but i dont love it all the time. i am in a position where i am still learning but i know i could be challenged more.. i know i deserve to get paid more money but there are other perks to the job that im not ready to let go (co-workers who keep me from going crazy, an easy commute, a free gym that i can use during the day-- i know it doesnt seem like a big deal but those little things mean a lot to me) sometimes i feel like i need to find something bigger and better but i also want to be at a job for a while so it doesnt look like i jump around all the time on my resume. its a lot to consider. i just hope that you dont hate going to work-- no one should Hate what they do. but yes its good to consider other options and to go after them if you think the pros outweigh the cons. good luck! i know its a lot to think about just try make yourself happy. xoxo jillian

Jackie said...

I was working a job a loved, I was an elementary school teacher and left it to pursue mommyhood. It's been a roller coaster ride, and sometimes the grass sure looks greener, but I know that I'm where I'm suppose to be right now. Life has a crazy way of working out, and opportunities present themselves along the way. I say go with your gut and your heart, and let it happen! I've written a lot about my struggle to be the new me on my blog.

Susan said...

I absolutely love my job and I have no idea how I got here. I really have felt like throughout my twenties, I haven't really been in control of what I was doing and I was just kind of doing whatever I thought should come next. It's working pretty well. I've traveled, did school, love my job...

I wish I could answer your "how did I get here" question, but really, I didn't do it on purpose.

Also, like some of the sentiments above, I have days when I think it would be great to do something easier or something I cared about less, but the grass is always greener as they say. I know it wouldn't be so fulfilling.

I don't know if this is what I will do forever, but it's what I'm doing now. I'm good at it, getting better, and I love it. I figure when any of those things stop, I'll move on.

Kevin said...

This is how I've been feeling lately, too. But that's part of my anxiety issues, I suppose. These last few days at my job have been rather boring and unproductive and I worry where I am going with it. It's kind of silly, seeing as I'm only a month into it and it's entry-level, but I definitely want to feel like I'm doing valuable work. And that's hard when you aren't doing that kind of work. My big assignment today was putting together new loan files...

Sweet Green Tangerine said...

It's this fear that you are writing about that motivates you to make a change, so the fear is good! I may only be 4 years older than you, but I've been through this so many times that I've realized life really is about changing, constantly. There will probably never be a time when you can say "PERFECT". But that's a good thing. Change, grow, evolve & roll with the punches. You're doing great!!

inHERshoes said...

hey lovely, i think it's normal to have these types of thoughts and feelings.

i really love what i'm doing right now, but it took a lot of risks and changes to get to where i'm at. i'm from los angeles and back in the day, i was determined to keep up with the jones'. at that time, my bf was already in the work force and was also like me, but he was already a "jones". so i decided to get a master's degree. somehow, during my first year in grad school - something changed, whether it was the life in the fast lane that wore me out, the withering away of a 5-year relationship or my experience in grad school - i knew that i was in it for the wrong reasons.

i took a break, i left in the middle of graduate school, left los angeles and moved out to portland. what i thought was a break ended up being long-term. then, i went back to graduate school. i'll never make the money of a jones, and my work has lots of challenges, but i wouldn't trade it for anything else. because of it, i've become grounded and grateful of the many things in life.

sending you hugs ... hope that you'll get the courage to reach your dreams, i know you will.

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

I finished a PhD in Political Science and turned down the prospect of a very safe, fairly well-paid career path as a professor, and instead moved hubby & self to Thailand to volunteer working with kids at risk of being trafficked into prostitution and spend my time writing novels. I love my life now, but I make pretty much NO money doing it. Part of me worries about what value there is in what I do if I'm not getting paid. It's my personal internal struggle, but I'm lucky to have a husband who can support us both financially.

But here's the thing. The first thing anyone tells you when you start pursuing writing seriously is: Don't quit your day job. Even if you hit that holy grail and get published, earnings are generally meager - especially with the publishing industry in the state that it is.

So here's the deal: Write because you LOVE to write. Write because you feel like you can't breathe if you don't. And if you still need a paycheck to get by, then commit to writing when you can. Most of the successful up- and coming published authors I've met committed to writing a tiny bit every day, outside of their "real" jobs. They wrote entire novels in daily half-hour segments. If you're serious about wanting to be published, research the market like crazy and learn where your stuff fits. Learn everything you can about how to write well.

But remember, first and foremost you have to love writing more than anything. Then the rest of it is icing on the cake. Heck, even J.K. Rowling struggled as a poor, single mother for 19 years before she really got noticed.

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh, I can TOTALLY relate. (and btw, I don't think you'll end up one of those people who hate their jobs forever).

I don't hate my job, but it's definitely not something I want to do for much longer. I'm a nanny, and it's fun and different, but it's not for me in the long run. I work to pay the bills, as sad as that is.

It's hard for me to start to do something else, because of a variety of things. I don't have any experience in any area of expertise, I'm moving to L.A. in July, and also, I'm not sure of the direction I want to go in.

As of right now, I'm hoping to start my own home staging business, as well as dabble in professional photography and maybe even start an event planning company down the road. Who knows? That's the scary part---it's like, how do I get to that point?

I wish you luck though, and I know you'll make the right decision. =)

xox