What do I want?

I'm going to get serious on you for a minute, so bear with me. I'm having a difficult time flushing through all the things floating around in my head, and the easiest way for me to navigate what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking is to write it down.

I know what I want to be when I grow up. A writer. A designer. A blogger. A mom. I want to be creative and inspiring and happy. I want to be a published author. I want to create weddings and parties and events. I want to live intentionally and be satisfied with my life.

I change my mind like you change your clothes. I have so many ideas in my head, that I've even labeled myself as someone who never follows through. I have a thousand goals, but I don't know how to get there. My recent idea to post a goal on my blog is the first step in trying to achieve those goals, and I will post, but so many are just abstract concept without even a concrete definition. For example, I want to live creatively. WTF does that mean? I know that I want to do it, but I have no idea how to do it.

Too bad life coaches are so expensive. I need one.

I just need help understanding what I want to do and who I want to be. It's hard to move toward something when you don't know what you're moving toward.

Right now, money is my biggest obstacle. I can't quit my job to cook and blog and write and plan weddings because those things don't make me money. And I don't know how to make money off of them. I know it's possible, but I don't know how. Even if I did know how, I highly doubt I would make as much money as I do now.

At this point in my life, I have such a broad idea of what I want "my career" to be, that I can't even start working toward my dream career. I know that it involves being a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom, blogger, writer, and anything else that I find myself interested in. I just saw an article that someone published about being a virtual assistant. Are you kidding? I could do that in a heartbeat. I know that I could probably do freelance writing too, especially since my formal title at my current job is "technical writer." But again, I don't know how to get into these areas.

So where do I go from here? I have no freaking clue. Do any of you have an idea? Or a place where I can go to figure this out? Any resources or books that might help? I'm desperate.

Why does life have to be so confusing?


aj said...

I understand where you're coming from. I have this vision of myself: raising my children, feeding them homemade meals and snacks, planning elaborate charity events while they nap, and writing a chapter a night while my husband reads the news.

Hubs and I have had lots of chats about how to make this a reality...and what I've figured is I need more saved cash to do so. I make a great salary, but have soooo many student loans, that it will still be years until they're paid off. So, I bide my time. I write a bit now, cook when I can, and hopefully, in 5 years or so, I can start living my dream.

Amanda said...

Well, you've already taken the first step....you're trying to figure it out. I know what I want out of life too, but I think that I have a lot of steps to take before then, so right now, I'm looking for a new job that helps me better my writing skills, challenges me, and helps me grow in my career and as a person. Seems like a lot to expect from a job, but I know there's one awaiting me :)

My advice? Look for another job and/or start writing freelance :)

Kaitlyn Thatcher said...

I can't get over the fact that your post yesterday about goals and then this one today express exactly what I have going on in my head but am not eloquent enough to say out loud. Are you and I like the same person? Or are these the same feelings that every 20-something woman has? I'm pretty sure it's the latter. We need a support group or something. I think you are on the right track trying to write down your goals and have the blogging community hold you accountable. When you figure out how to deal with the rest of it...let me know. I have all the same problems and questions.

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

I think I might be somewhere between 5-10 years older than you and your regular readers, and in my experience, I think it's safe to say this feelings, this identity crisis, is a common one. We work so hard through college, assuming it'll spit us right out into the job we want. But it doesn't. There's a catch-22: you need to get a job to get experience (and learn what you want/need), but you need experience to snag the job.

I'm pretty sure the only way to find what you want when you're torn like this is to keep trying - and then eliminating - what you don't like until you find what you do. It could be some of these jobs sound great in the abstract, but when you do them for 6 months or a year, you discover it's not ultimately for you. So you keep going until you find your thing. And sometimes your thing is something you totally make up for yourself - a brand new way to envision how you work and engage in the world.

In the meantime, the need to get paid is a reality, so you have to work around that. I would try to see if you can get a job as an assistant for a wedding or event planner (even if it means volunteering on weekends or something). That way you get a chance to learn the industry, build your resume a little, and make contacts. Or if writing is your thing, then make a schedule for yourself to write for 30 minutes a day. If you don't know yet exactly what you want to write, read everything you can in the genre you think you want to write about.

I know none of it is easy on top of a full-time job, but the only way to change your life is to be determined to do it, and by putting one foot in front of the other. If you try to tackle the whole bit idea of CAREER all at once, you'll get overwhelmed and feel stuck. So break it down into small, tangible little bits. It takes time, but know, in the end, you're working towards something very worthwhile: a more authentic and rewarding life.

inHERshoes said...

someone once told me that life is not hard, there's just so many choices. it looks like you are faced with so many of them.

i think, deep inside you, you know what you need to do. it's just a matter of making the choice, if you are ready to give up some things in your life to get your to your desired destination.

sometimes, it doesn't have to be the same exact thing that we need to achieve to have some sense of meaning and experience the things we want to do.

cheyanne said...

This guy has some great hints on how to make a living off of blogging:


Also, I think persistence and networking is key. Rest assured that whenever I hear anyone talking about weddings I tell them that I know of someone that is looking for wedding planning opportunities. There are tons of places that brides to be could see an add and become interested...I think you could make a very comfortable living to supplement your other passions until they became a source of income as well as happiness

Lindsey said...

My mom is doing exactly what you say you want to be doing eventually :) She's a stay-at-home mom, blogger, freelance writer and takes on whatever projects interest her.

You have a lot of passions - I say go for it! Plus "virtual assistant" sounds like maybe the best gig ever.

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I have just joined your blog so I won't know much about you but let me tell you something we all go through such a phase and after more than 10 years in a no man's land I have just made the first step to change my life.

Most of us dream of being a stay-at-home mum, blogging, writing, cooking, crafting and any other thing of interest.
Patience is the key I think. One step at a time.

You have already made one by acknowledging the place you are in now - quite lost no?

I too had hundreds of ideas in my head not knowing where to go, what to start, what not to start, getting tired of my job and wanting a brand new life. You'll have it one day cause you'll put all your efforts in your search day after day.

All the best - we are all behind you giving you the support you need.
Take care.

Carly Anne said...

Sometimes I think that our generation of women has it a lot tougher than those who came before us. Sure, we have "choices" that our predecessors didn't. But, I find that few women are able to make said choices without sacrificing SOMETHING.

Personally, my biggest concern is raising my children myself. However, that will require me giving up a salary that I will surely never find as a freelancer. It will change my family's lifestyle greatly. I am thankful that it is possible to live off of my husband's salary alone, however, I certainly acknowledge that without my income, money will be very tight. And, I worry about not being able to get back into the workforce if I ever needed to.

Suze said...

I just read your post. Today I am home sick from my job. This is my sixth year doing it and I have great concern that it isn't what I want to do anymore. It's so hard to a) choose and b) know how to transfer what you're good at and what you love into a career choice. I think it's a 20-something woman thing. :) Good luck! Know that you're not alone.